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Kids Matter: Window of Opportunity

In our culture discipline has become a dirty word. It seems that we do anything we possibly can to avoid it in almost every area of our lives. Whether you’re talking about spiritual, mental, physical, or relational discipline, we do our best to find ways around it. There are always new fad diets which claim to be an easy way to loose weight. We have thousands of entertainment options at our disposal so that we never have to discipline our minds. Spiritual disciplines are rarely understood as critical to the life of a Christ follower and are usually taught as something that would be nice to do if you get the time.

The same could be said for our relationships. We have become a land of disposable relationships. When hard times come that call for discipline of character and will, our response is to run away or dispose of the relationship.

I think that much of this may stem from our definition of discipline. If we believe discipline to be harsh punishment that is doled out as retribution for wrongdoing, then we’ll probably avoid it at all costs. A clear understanding of the concept is needed if we are going to embrace discipline as necessary to our lives and in our homes. This is a critical point for most families, in that a faulty understanding of discipline can cause major problems in raising children. As parents we can fall into various unhealthy patterns when our concepts of discipline and love are flawed. Some parents hesitate to discipline their kids because they want them to feel “loved”. The motivations for this can range from guilt over not being around enough to feelings of hypocrisy due to lack of discipline in our own lives. Other parents tend toward reactionary punishment that is driven by the current circumstances. The motivation is simply to change the offending behavior with little or no intentionality. Where then should we look to receive a proper understanding of discipline?

God is our role model when it comes to discipline and the scripture speaks often of His perspective and purpose for its uses.

Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Deut. 8:5

My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. Proverbs 3:11-12

But God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. Hebrews 12:10b

The Lord disciplines those he loves. Discipline is the evidence of God’s love! God uses discipline as a loving form of correction when he knows we are out of line. He’s not bringing retribution down on our heads simply because he doesn’t like what we’re doing. God brings discipline into our lives to help us live the abundant kind of life that he’s planned for us. Most of the time those two terms, love and discipline, are viewed as opposites. The scripture however, demonstrates that God’s kind of discipline, while firm, is based in a loving relationship.

At the end of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) Jesus gives the following statement:

‘Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. ‘ Matt. 7:13-14

This statement on its own has always caused me to question. Why would God (being the loving God that he is) make this gate so small and the way so narrow? Could it be that God would make the most critical aspect of life and faith so hard to find that we might simply miss it along the way? Alone, this scripture is difficult to understand. If, however, we view this passage within the framework of the rest of the Sermon, it speaks an entirely different message. The small gate and the narrow way are obedience to the kind of life the Jesus preaches about in his mountainside sermon. God disciplines us “for our good” and teaches us obedience to his ways so that we can walk the path that leads to life. God’s loving discipline instills the kind of obedience that brings about character transformation. God’s plan for us isn’t about simply following the rules or correcting behavioral issues. Jesus speaks of “whitewashed tombs”, which are all clean and pretty on the outside but full of death and decay within. When we discipline out of frustration in order to enact simple behavioral changes, there is a danger that we will find that our children’s lives look fine on the outside but lack the true character of Jesus on the inside. If discipline in our homes isn’t intentionally focused on obedience that brings about inner transformation, then we’ve fallen short of God’s design and example. God’s style of discipline brings about inner transformation, not simple behavioral change and such should be our goal as we discipline our children.

Our kids need and want us to discipline them. I know that statement might not jive with your experience in raising children! Your kids most likely stop short of asking to be disciplined. Mine certainly haven’t ever asked for me to say “no” to a request or withhold a privilege. While they probably wont ask you for discipline, it doesn’t change the fact that the both want and need you to step up and set boundaries for them. A good friend of mine had relatively no boundaries in high school. We went to his house when we wanted to goof off and have fun because we knew we could get away with almost anything. The strange thing, at least to me at the time, is that he would often refuse to have us over and demand that if we were going to hang out it would need to be at someone else’s home. He knew we would be subject to rules. He know we wouldn’t be able to sneak out at night. He knew this and yet he wanted to have some boundaries so bad that he forced us to experience them. He always seemed like a different person around my parents. Almost childlike. I’ve since come to understand the desperate need of every child to have someone love them enough to set boundaries and enforce their limits.

This graph was developed as a part of a case study by Ruben Hill in the state of Minnesota. It represents results he found as he studied the amount of love and discipline in the home. Parents high in love but low in discipline were designated Permissive in parenting style. Neglectful parents were low in both love and discipline. Parents high in control but low in love were termed Authoritarian. This is the parent that rules with an iron fist and must win every battle. The Authoritative (or balanced) parent was certainly strict and held a high standard in terms of discipline but did it in a context of love and respect.

Pastor Wes said last week that the two questions our kids are asking are: “Am I loved?” and, “What are the boundaries?” These are questions of significance and security. Permissive parents may instill significance in their children but insecurity will most likely plague them throughout their lives because they had no boundaries, no sense of security. Authoritarian (iron fist) parents have children who no exactly where the boundaries lie but they don’t trust that they are significant to the parent, they rebel or run away. Having a balanced approach that reflects God’s intentional, loving discipline generally gives children a stability and sense of identity that allows them to lead fulfilling, healthy lives. Our kids need us to discipline them. Truth be told, they want us to be the parent and take the responsibility seriously enough to follow through.

If our kids need us to discipline them, how do we do it? We go back to the scripture for instruction once again: Hebrews 12:4-11

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 
 6because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.


Actions – The word “discipline” here (verse 5) means consistent consequences. When we establish appropriate behavior for our children, there should be consistent consequences when they push past the boundaries. Whatever method we utilize, be it “time out’, loss of privileges, spanking, or others the key here is consistency in our action. Do what you say you will do. We shouldn’t threaten our children with consequences that we know are in reality unlikely to occur. Nothing undermines your authority and your child’s sense of boundaries than inconsistency. On a side note, I don’t typically promote spanking as disciplinary option. This isn’t because I think spanking is illegitimate. I don’t promote it because I don’t believe that most of us will use spanking the right way. The Bible does contain the “spare the rod spoil the child” idea, but scripture in no way gives parents license to hurt our kids. Spanking (and discipline in general) should never be done out of anger or frustration.

Words – The word “rebuke” in verse 5 indicates clear instruction. In other words, its not good enough to just say “because I told you so”. We must care enough to clearly communicate with our children in a way that they can understand. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 expresses it this way: 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

In other words, be intentional about passing down faith, values, discipline, and love. The words we say matter.

Another side note: The word “punishment” in this passage has the connotation of simple correction here and not harsh retribution for wrong doing.

Being intentional starts with understanding the situation and developing a game plan.

Develop A Game Plan

  1. Identify the top two/three discipline problems in your home.
  2. Honestly evaluate your current parenting pattern.
  3. Have a family conference to establish the plan
  4. Work the plan with consistency!

Recap

  • The necessity of discipline = To deter destruction
  • The means of discipline = Actions and words
  • The motive in discipline = To express love
  • The goal of discipline = To teach obedience
  • The result of discipline = Short term pain and long term gain

This series was developed from the series and book entitiled Raising Effective Kids in a Defective World by Chip Ingrim.



2007/06/17