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Kids Matter: Window of Opportunity

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.—Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.—Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.—Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.—Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.—Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.—Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.—Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.—Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.—Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.—Howard, age 8

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? - Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.—Ricky, age 10

God has a dream for your child. That dream is more wonderful and exciting than anything you or I could ever think of. There is a passage in the book of Ephesians that says that God will do exceedingly, abundantly above all we could ask or think and that applies to our children as well.

There is that moment comes in many parents life when they began to wonder what is this kid going to be? How are they going to turn out? How can I make them or help them to turn out okay? For Christians we should be asking a much deeper question. Our question should revolve around the notion of helping our children reach their full potential. That full potential is the potential that God has in store for them. Often we feel that we don’t have a clue how to help our kids reach their full potential. We feel lost and we feel like this is bigger than us. Your right it is.

The critical thing you and I have to decide is are we going to partner with God to make this happen in our kids lives. This will not happen by just dumping them into a church children’s ministry or youth ministry. This will not happen by hoping and wishing but never taking the initiative to be involved in the spiritual aspects of your kid’s life.

Let me just stop right here and say, “I wish I would have done better at this.” I am thankful for my own kids and where they are in their hearts and heads at this moment in their lives but I also have come to realize that there is so much more I could have proactively taught them about God and His claim in their lives.

Today we are going to try to figure out how we can cooperate with God in such a way that His Spirit uses your life and His Word so that His purposes for you children become reality.

I. You must understand your child’s two primary needs are for significance and security

Your child needs to know that they are loved and that they are safe.

Two questions kids are always asking:
Every day they are asking these two questions. They ask them in different ways. Very rarely do they come up to you and ask, Do you love me? By their behavior both positive and negative they ask “do I matter or am I important or do they love me?” They also will always spend a great deal of time pushing to find out where the boundaries are. They will do this all the way through their teen years. They want to know are these boundaries secure.

Do you love me?
Where are the boundaries?

When you repeatedly answer the question “Do you love me” by your words and actions you’re telling your children that they are significant. And when you draw clear boundaries by your words and actions and let them know you’re in charge, you’re cultivating their security.

These two questions are like guardrails for children. You will say in essence in this home you are going to honor God, love your mother and father.

The Perfect Parent - Genesis 1:27-29; 2:15-17

In the story of the creation of man God continually showed Adam and Eve how much He loved them. If you follow this story through its different stages you will see God saying after everything He creates, “It is good.” When He creates man and woman He says that is very good. He shows them all the good things He has done for them. He loves them and then God says you can enjoy all of this but there are two trees you cannot eat from. He draws some boundaries. He communicated with them that they were valuable, He wanted to walk with them every evening and enjoy and build community, He also drew some lines and boundaries. Love produces significance and boundaries produce security.

Your kids may be two, ten or twenty two but they are asking these two questions everyday. Do you love me and how far can I go?

II. You must recognize your child’s primary responsibility is to learn obedience

“Children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents, for this is the right thing to do. ‘Respect your father and mother’ is the first commandment that has a promise added: so that all may go well with you, and you may live a long time in the land.” Ephesians 6:1-3 (Good News Bible)

There are all kinds of commands in the Bible for husbands, wives, servants, leaders and all kinds of people but there is only one command for kids in the Bible. Obey

Defining Obedience: The Greek word that obey comes from is hypo (hoopo: to be under) and akouo (to hear): in other words, “to be under the hearing of.” We get the word acoustic from these words. Obedience is not about parents being strong and domineering, making the kids do exactly what they say out of fear. It is teaching your children to be under the hearing of your voice so that when you speak, they obey. They don’t just obey because of they have to but they surrender out of love, dependency and trust. Genuine obedience is submitting out of love and trust. Early on kids will obey you out of your authority but they must learn to obey out of a motivation of love and a respect and understanding of the importance of obedience.

Let me illustrate why this important. A couple is taking a walk and their son is walking out ahead of them like little kids will often do. He is running and jumping and getting further away. Each time he gets too far his father will call him by name and say, “Brian stop!” The dad really doesn’t expect him to stop and the kid knows it so he turns around and waves and keeps on going. All of the sudden over a hedge the Dad sees a car backing out of a driveway. The little boy can’t see it and when the day yells for him to stop he turns and waves and ignores the words. The car backs out barely missing the young boy and the father realizes how dangerous it is for his child to not learn obedience.

Kids are often better students of their parents then we are of our children. Ever seen a kid in the grocery store just wear a parent down? “Can we get this?” “No, put it back?” This gets repeated and repeated until the parent finally says, “All right, put it in the cart.”

Ever been at a friends house and you say to your young child. “Help pick up the toys, it’s time to go.” Nothing happens. You go on talking to the adults and the kid keeps right on playing. You raise your voice a little and then turn and keep visiting and the kid keeps on playing. Finally you stop and get very intense and the kid turns to his friend and says calmly, “I think we’re leaving now, see you later.”

Children know when you mean it and when you don’t. How hard would it be for you to walk over and get down to eye level with a five year old, and say calmly and firmly and under control, “We are about to leave. Do you understand that? I want you to pick up the toys right now.” If he or she doesn’t obey consequences should follow immediately. Do you know what this will teach him? Your child will learn that when a Mom or Dad speak even in a calm voice, it matters.

Listen to this very carefully. Here’s why it matters. The reason this is so important, besides the fact that his immediate safety depends on it, is that if a child can’t learn to obey a parent who is visible, he or she will never learn to obey a God who isn’t visible. Whatever attitude your kids have toward your voice is probably the same attitude they will have toward God’s voice later. Obedience is the channel and highway of God’s blessing.

If your kids can learn to obey you at a young age some day when God whispers to them in a still small voice one day they will act on it. When God whispers to them about a relationship that they shouldn’t be in, of He whispers a word of warning about going to a party that is not where they should be or not getting into a car with that group of people because danger is all around them, they will be equipped to listen the first time and it will bring blessing into your kids lives. They will learn to submit the voice of the Holy Spirit.

“Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." John 14:21 (NIV)

Dobson probably had it right when he wrote that our goal when our kids are young is to, “break their will without crushing their spirit.”

III. You must remember, obedience is a process

You don’t get to have one conversation with your child about obedience and think that all is well. It is a process that takes a long time to learn but you should never quit being consistent and strong in your commitment to teaching them.

The process takes time and perseverance and it takes an understanding that kids develop in different ways at different times.

“Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered...” Hebrews 5:8 (NIV)

Jesus was perfect humanity yet he learned through the suffering he endured when on this earth.

“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” Luke 2:52 (NIV)

Remember that you methods for teaching obedience are going to differ from child to child and from time to time. Personality and age will make a difference.

When you children are small they are concrete thinkers. They think they are the center of the universe. They learn in black and white and in terms of what they can and cannot see or touch or taste. Our biggest problem when teaching obedience to our young children is that we talk too much and when they our teens we talk too little. When they are little it is about the basics. “Don’t touch the stove.” “Tell the truth.” “Don’t hit your sister.”

When they get older we want them to understand that this obedience is tied to a relationship with their parents and with God. “Because I said so” may work with five year olds but not with teenagers. When your kids say, “So and so’s parents let them do that or go there,” your answer better be better than, “I’m not so and so’s parents.” You have a golden opportunity to reason with them and teach them in the context of what would God have to say about that. Teach your children to think about honoring God with their lives and to ask the question, “Would God be pleased with my going to there or doing this or that?” (movies, parties, etc.) In their late teens you start letting them make decisions some of which are not the best but it is too allow them to learn a lesson. They will make some bad decisions. They will make some dumb decisions but it will be done in the context of where you can forgive them and love them and help them learn from their mistakes.

The goal is that your kids learn to have some personal convictions based on their relationship with Christ that will guide them when you are no longer around.

Look at the back of your sermon notes for a list of convictions that will be helpful for your children to learn. These came from the PTA’s 1985 National Outstanding Educator of the Year, Gene Bedley wrote about teaching the basics of responsibility:

When I turn it on ... I turn it off.
When I unlock something ... I lock it up.
When I drop something ... I pick it up.
When I break something ... I repair it.
When I open something ... I close it.
When I make a mess ... I clean it up.
When I make a promise ... I keep my promise.
When I find something ... I return it.
When I borrow something ... I give it back.
When I take it out ... I put it back.
When I’m assigned to a task ... I complete it on time.
When I earn money ... I spend and invest it wisely.

Who makes your child’s bed? Does he or she brush their teeth? Who cleans their room? Do they help around the house? Who makes them get up each day?

Anytime you do something for your child that they could be doing for themselves you cripple them. Right now we have a generation of late twenty something’s living in the back bedrooms or basements of their parents houses saying, “Where’s breakfast?” They are going to be there a long time unless you teach them responsibility. Let me give you a little side note. You will be doing their employers a favor in the future as well.

If you are always cleaning up your kids messes and taking care of every little detail for your children they will have very little need for a relationship with God. Why should they ever learn to depend on an invisible God when their visible parents are making every little thing in their live easy and giving them every thing they want all the time?

“Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction." Ephesians 6:4 (Good News Bible)

IV. You must commit to providing the necessary resources for your child to learn obedience.

You must commit and it is a large commitment. I am not talking about physical resources but spiritual resources. Sometimes we equate what we have provided for our kids as being the end of it. There is more to life and parenting than food, clothing and shelter. There’s more to live than designer clothes, money, laptops, ipods, and all the “stuff” that provide happiness. Remember last week we determined that God’s will for you kids is not their happiness but their holiness.

We need to look at this through the lens that we are trying provide for you as a church. Raising our kids to love God is first the responsibility of the parents but the body of people that make up the church bear a close second when it comes to teaching and modeling godliness.

Five tools to help children learn obedience are found in Deuteronomy 6.

4 "Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one!
5 "And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
6 "And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart;
7 and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
8 "And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.
9 "And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 (NAS)

      A. Doctrinal truth:

In a world of moral relativism we must give our kids a sense of what is truth. What is right and what is wrong. Unfortunately right now there is a growing movement away from truth in the Church. We must teach them who Jesus is and that He is the Way the Truth and the Life. In the music and on TV they are learning everyday that there is not absolute truth but as Christ followers we must instill in our children that there are some things that are non negotiable.

      B. Personal devotion:

Our own personal devotion to God is a vital link for our kids. Your kids are watching the habits of your life. How devoted to God do they know you are? You may say, “Well I’m too busy to pray and read my bible and care about the community.” I would ask you are you too busy to lay around watching TV, or spending a great deal of time in some sporting activity, or following your favorite team, or reading the latest magazines or a gripping novel? Remember more is caught than is taught. If we practice our devotional lives with reluctant obedience our kids will grow up to be just like us.

      C. Biblical knowledge:

“These words shall be on your heart.” This means there may be certain verses you’re your kids learn from you in your home. You should memorize them together.

We have to become students of the word of God for our children to become knowledgeable about it. We have become a nation of filthy talkers. We love to revel and joke around in innuendo and suggestive talk at times but are you aware that in Ephesians 4:29 it says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those that hear.” (NASB)

The average parent doesn’t have a clue where to go in searching for answers from the Bible. We are committing as a church to bringing you opportunities in the near future to learn more about parenting and the word of God as it applies to your kids. The main reason John Ballenger is on staff is to educate our staff, church and community families about what it takes to raise our children with a godly world view.

      D. Systematic instruction:

“and you shall teach them diligently”

Teaching our kids diligently allows no room for a haphazard approach. Sometime somewhere you find a way to have spiritual instruction in your home. This is the toughest thing to do and be consistent in. Some of you are feeling really guilty right now but you can erase that and start this week with a fresh start. Talk with our pastor to families and get resources from him that will help you lead you family in systematic instruction.

      E. Teachable moments:

This is informal instruction. This works well with older kids and happens around the table or even in the car or around the television. Let me give you an example. Do you know what should bother you about modern media? It is not the blatant sex and violence. If you are any kind of Christ follower at all you will turn that off immediately and not allow yourself to go there. It’s the subtle stuff that we allow in our homes and never give a second thought to. It’s that movie that you are sucked into with the unhappy marriage and the man or woman is drawn to someone else in an unhappy marriage and you find yourself rooting for the two of them to get together. Hollywood is a master at playing on our emotions but what a teachable moment to point it out to our kids and say, “Don’t allow yourself to get sucked in here. This is not a godly way to answer an unhappy marriage.” Teach in the moment. The current generation of twenty and thirty somethings was raised watching the show Friends. Some of you will get defensive right now by what I’m going to say. Did the show have good acting? It had great acting! Did it have an moral value? It probably did more to build a lack of moral base into that generation than any show of that kind! There was no morality. We were sucked into storylines that included sleeping around, no commitment and other things completely contrary to God’s word. How are you going to teach your kids if you are that desensitized to the word of God and its application in your lives?

Metaphor: When your kids are little and are just coming home from the hospital you put them in a car seat in the back seat, turned backwards and tie it in. As they get older you put them in the front seat and you still buckle them in. You let them open the glove compartment and pull out the manual and flip through it. You teach them to watch both ways before turning or pulling onto a different street. They get around six or seven and even though you know it is illegal you take them on a side street or to some abandoned parking lot and you let them sit on your lap and drive and they are so excited. As they grow you teach them to read a map and they become interested in navigating. They turn sixteen and you change seats with them and you sit white knuckled because they thing they know everything about it. You may even allow them to have a couple of fender benders to teach them a lesson. (let them pay for the damage also) and then one day they pass a test and you hand over the keys to a car and you will get out and they will drive off without you. It is a metaphor for life.

If you have done this right you will get to hand them the keys to eternal life and say to them, “I won’t be sitting here anymore but there will be someone else in the passenger seat of life and that is Jesus.” He’ll know when they are about to take a wrong turn or when they are about to run out of gas. He will help them get back on course if you have taught them to obey and hear His voice.

V. Obedience is achieved when your children transfer his/her primary love, submission and dependency from you to Jesus Christ

If you do this you will have done what no school, no amount of money, and no sports program or music program can do for them. You will have made eternal deposits in a human heart and given your child an imperishable life. There is no better success in parenting than that.

3 Characteristics of Righteous Children

  1. He or she will make wise decisions
  2. He or she will keep commitments
  3. He or she will genuinely care for others

Developing your child’s full potential involves understanding his needs, his responsibility and your role in fulfilling them.

DON’T EVER SAY “NO”

When Allied troops captured a young American fighting for the Taliban in Afghanistan, last year a major American newspaper wrote the following:

“The parents of John Walker Lindh, the child of privilege turned Taliban terrorist didn’t put their foot down when he announced that he was going to drop out of school and when he decided to become a Muslim. Indeed they were actually proud of him for pursuing an alternative course.

His mother said it was “good for a child to find a passion”.
They didn’t object when he asked them to pay his way to Yemen, nor when his new circle of friends included gunmen.

As long as he could remember, his oh- so- progressive parents had answered “Yes” to his every whim. The only thing they insisted on was that nothing was insisted on..

“Newsweek” called it ‘truly perplexing’ that Walker was attracted to this narrow intolerant sect.” The newspaper went on to say:

“There’s nothing perplexing about it.
He craved standards and discipline. Mum and Dad didn’t offer any; the Taliban did.

If his parents had been less concerned with open mindedness and more concerned with developing their son’s moral judgement, he wouldn’t have ended up where he did.

His road to ruin didn’t begin in Afghanistan, it began with his parents who never said “No!”.

SOURCE: “Word for Today” Wed, Sept 4th 2002. Contributed by Martin Dale. Martin Dale

Today we want to give you a moment or two to connect with God. You can do it right where you are standing or you can always come forward and pray. During this song will you reflect on where you are and what God is asking you to do?

This series was developed from the series and book entitiled Raising Effective Kids in a Defective World by Chip Ingrim.



2007/06/10