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RESTORING RELATIONSHIPS Getting Healthy

I’ve got to be honest with you. If you were going to skip any of these eight weeks, today would have been the day to skip. This is not an easy message to digest. Some of you are sitting here and there’s pain in your relational world and you know it. That pain may be with a friend, it may be with a spouse. It may be with a child that you have. It may be with a parent. It may be with your boss. It may be with a coworker. Maybe it’s with somebody that you came here with today. Enormous stakes are riding on how you respond to this message.

I want to encourage you. Would you please listen with an open heart and an open mind that maybe God's going to put a name on your heart during this message? A person that’s going to come to mind that you’re going to have to do a little sweaty palms work and go to that person and forgive them or ask for forgiveness. Really that’s the step, the sixth step that we’re looking at, which is really best summarized as we’ve been taking a look at this series of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes. The attitude in verse 9 of Matthew 5 says:

“Blessed are the peacemakers.” Happy are the peacemakers. Satisfied are the peacemakers. Why would Jesus say that? Because they are in route to healthy living.

In your bulletin we have a little review of the previous five steps, Getting healthy again. Look at this.

Step one: Realize that you’re not God. It’s pretty easy to realize that.
Step two: Earnestly believe that God exists and He wants a part in your life.
Step three: Consciously commit to choose to give my life over to God and have Him deal with the issues and the problems.
Step four: Openly confess and examine my faults.
Step five: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life.


Step six: Evaluate all my relationships, offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm that I’ve done to others when possible without expecting any reward.

Step six will involve two actions. I must forgive those who’ve hurt me and I must make amends to those I have hurt. Has someone hurt you before with something they’ve done or said? Have you hurt somebody else? You are the perfect audience for this message.

PART 1. I must forgive those who have hurt me.

As soon as I say the word “forgive” some of you already are checking out. Please listen. If you must be convinced as to why you must forgive let me give you some reasons.

1. Resentment doesn’t work. Because when you don’t forgive that’s what happens. You become bitter and you resent. Job 5:2 says, “To worry yourself to death with resentment would be foolish. It’s a senseless thing to do.” Resentment is foolish. It doesn’t work. It’s a waste of time. Resentment always hurts oneself and doesn’t hurt the other person. It’s an irrational waste of energy. It’s a picture like this: I’m carrying this grudge and I sure hope it hurts that person over there.” It’s ridiculous.

I have never talked to anybody ever who has been filled with resentment who says, “I feel so much better! Bitterness has this real calming effect on me.” No! It’s the exact opposite. People filled with resentment and bitterness are ugly people inside and it comes out in all the areas of their life. What they’re doing is they’re committing a slow, emotional suicide. Resentment doesn’t work.

2. The second reason is God has forgiven me. If God has forgiven me, I should forgive other people. Doesn’t that seem fair? If you’re here today and you are a Christian. You have received something, you’ve experienced something you don’t deserve – forgiveness. You don’t deserve it and it’s total. Total forgiveness. When you have a hard time forgiving other people what it really means is that you don’t fully understand God's forgiveness for you.

People who are forgiving understand what Jesus Christ did on the cross. When you’re forgiving, when you realize what an incredible act of forgiveness God has given to you you’re more forgiving of other people.

How do you paint a picture of God forgiving us for our sins? All I can tell you is that forgiveness is one of the hardest things we have to practice as Christians?

It is so hard because most of the time we are forgiving people who don’t deserve it. If you are forgiving someone it is because you have been wronged and believe me it is a whole lot easier to hold onto un-forgiveness than it is to let go and extend mercy and grace.

Why should I forgive? Because God has forgiven me. Colossians 3 “Never hold grudges. Remember [circle “remember”] the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others.” When I remember how much God forgives me it makes it easier. Let me give you a truth: You will never have to forgive somebody else as much as God has already forgiven you.

3. The third reason I should forgive is because I need forgiveness in the future. Matthew 6 says, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others your Father will not forgive your sins.” Ouch! If you don’t forgive you’re not going to get God's forgiveness. It’s as simple as that or as difficult as that depending on which way you look at it.

I would have loved to have left that verse out of it but then I wouldn’t be teaching the whole truth of the Bible. Forgiveness is a two way street. Why should I forgive? Because resentment doesn’t work, because God has forgiven me and because I need forgiveness in the future.

Let’s take a little time out for a second. Even though those make sense forgiveness is very difficult. It’s a difficult step in one’s spiritual growth, in one’s Christian journey. There are some steps that are easy. Joining a small group. It’s important for your spiritual growth, that’s easy. Coming to church and singing, even though I don’t have a good voice – easy. Giving an offering (if I can find my little envelopes) easy. Why are those easy and forgiveness so difficult? Because those are externals and forgiveness is internal.

So how do we do this? How do we forgive? I really wish I could give you a magic wand, works every time formula for relational conflict. I can’t because relationships aren’t that simple. Every relationship is unique.

      1. I must admit my hurt.

Admit it. You’ve got to be honest. You can’t get over your hurt until you admit it. You can’t even begin to consider forgiving until you admit that it hurt. A lot of times we don’t like to do that because the people who hurt us are people we love. And we don’t like to do that. Admit it.

A father writes, “My nine-year-old boy loves a little trick. It’s totally dumb but when he introduces me to one of his buddies he says, “Dad! See if Kyle has any ouch hair.” Because ever since he was a little kid I’d grab his back and say, “Let me see if you have any Ouch hair.” You take the hair at the bottom of the neck and pull it up and what do they say? Ouch! And you go, “Yeah, you’ve got some ouch hair.” But no kid when I’ve done that has ever went, “Cool!” They don’t do that. They don’t say, “Oh, thanks for pulling my hair.” They go Ouch!”

When I think of this point I think of that illustration. What you did, ouch! What you said, ouch! Admit our hurt. We like to repress it and pretend it never happened. Or we like to ignore it, “I don’t want to deal with it.” We try to push it away. But that never works because it always pops up in some other form of compulsion. Or we like to suppress it and say, “It’s no big deal. Let’s don’t deal with it. It’s over.”

None of those work. Cross them all out. Next to it write the words, Confess it. Just confess it. Admit it. That hurt!

You say, “How do I admit it? What’s that all about?” Here’s what I encourage you to do. Some of you won’t want to do this. You think it isn’t helpful. But just trust me in this and try it. Just get out a piece of paper and write down all the people that have hurt you. Be specific with that stuff that you’re still hanging on to. If you’ve forgiven them and you’ve moved on, forget about it. But the ones who are still creating this tension in your life, write it down. Be specific. That teacher who embarrassed you. That parent who said you’ll never amount to anything. The former spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend who was unfaithful to you. The person who you loaned money to who never repaid you. The business partner who cheated you. Whatever it is, write it down.

Some of you are going to need legal sized paper. Some of you need butcher paper! Get it out! Write it down. Admit it.

      2. You must release the offender.

This is the forgiveness piece. I release my offender. I let them go. I stop holding on to the hurt by forgiving them. How many of you played tug-of-war as a kid? When you know you can’t win, what do you do? Right. You’re as mean as I am, aren’t you? That’s why I love this church! You let go! The other guy falls on his can and you giggle, “Oh! I guess I lose!”

We play tug of war with one another. The point is you release it. And this time when you release it guess what happens. You win. Because as long as I hold on to that grudge it gives that person power over me. And that person controls me. You release it.

This is very important. Please catch this. The key to this is you don’t wait for them to ask for forgiveness. You do it for your sake. It’s not going to happen. So you don’t wait for them. You release them whether they ask for forgiveness or nor because you’re not doing it for their sake. You’re doing it for your sake. Why? Because resentment doesn’t work, because God forgives you and because you’ll need God's forgiveness in the future.

Here’s the big question that people ask. How will I know if I’ve fully released them? How will I know that I’ve really forgiven them?

When you think about them, it doesn’t hurt any more. You can even get to the point you can pray for them. You pray for a blessing on their life. That you can begin to look at them with compassion and you can understand their hurt rather than focusing on how you hurt.

You may need to keep forgiving and keep forgiving until finally you can think of them and it doesn’t hurt anymore. People ask Jesus, “How often should I forgive someone?” Matthew 18 “’How many times should I forgive my brother when he sins against me?’ Jesus answered, ‘Not seven times but seventy times seven times.’”

Jesus said it’s continual. Every time that person comes to mind forgive them again and again until you’ve released them fully. It may take 490,000 times. How do you forget a divorce? How do you forget when you’ve been abused? How do you forget when somebody’s smacked you around? How do you forget when you’ve been molested?

You don’t. But you can get rid of the pain. But you can release it so the memory no longer controls you, your thoughts, your emotions, your reactions.

I want to be careful how I say this. I realize that some of you in here have been hurt very, very badly. Many of you had nothing to do with the wrong that was committed against you. You’re thinking, “There’s no way I will ever forgive that person.” Not after what they did to me. Many times what they did to you was a biggie. It was molestation, sexual abuse or physical abuse or adultery or sins that are such deep violations and they leave such painful wounds. I’m so sorry that that happened to you. As a brother in Christ I hurt with you. But when you don’t forgive you’ll find no peace. You’ll find no freedom from your perpetrators. Realize that forgiving them in no way excuses them for the harm they caused you. But it will release you from the power that they have over you.

There is a caution to this. In releasing and forgiving an offender it’s not always possible nor is it advisable for you to go back to somebody that’s hurt you. Some of the circumstances may have changed. Maybe they’ve remarried and there’s going to be other innocent parties involved. Or they’ve moved away. Or for some of them they’re actually dead. How do I forgive them? How do I release them? A couple ideas:

1. The empty chair. The idea here is where you just set down with an empty chair and you just imagine that person sitting in the empty chair. And you release them. You say, “You did this to me... and I want to forgive you. Because resentment doesn’t work, because God has forgiven me and I need forgiveness in the future.” God will be there with you and will help you release them.

2. For some of you if that’s too out there, write a letter you don’t mail. Just get it out in black and white from today on. “I want to forgive you and release you because resentment doesn’t work and God has forgiven me and I'll need God's forgiveness in the future.” You do it for your own sake so you can begin to experience some freedom and peace.

      3. Pursue God's peace.

Colossians 3 says, “Let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. [I want that don’t you?] For as members of one body you’re called to live in peace.”

A pastor was speaking on this subject and someone said, “I can’t forgive. The reason I don’t live in peace is I don’t think forgiveness is fair. If I forgive that person it lets them off the hook.” No, it doesn’t let them off the hook. Just trust God to be God. God's going to settle that score. Let God take care of that person. He’ll do a better job that you will anyway and that person is keeping you from peace. This peace that I’m talking about the Bible says is peace that can’t even be put in words. Philippians 4 “If you do this you will experience God's peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.”

Let me stand before you as a testimony to say that in my life, pain and peace cannot coexist. When you deal with the resentment that you’re hanging onto and the grudges you’re carrying and you walk through to the other side where peace is you never want to go back. You want to do whatever it takes to live in this land of peace that is far greater than the human mind can understand.

Teaching pastor Brian Fields told the following story: “How many of you hate shopping? Mostly men raised their hand on that one. I hate shopping. I’ve shared this with you before that I grew up in an abusive family. My mom was a seamstress and she took me to fabric shops every week. I hate shopping!

Last month, Saturday before Mothers Day, I’m at my daughter’s soccer game and my wife’s at home with a sick child. After the game was over I called my wife to say the score and what happened. She asked where the game was being played and I told her and she said, “You’re right by Costco! They’re the only ones that have this salad and other things for this Mothers Day thing we’re doing. Can you stop by Costco and get it?” She knew that it was the day before Mothers Day and If I was to say no to that one I’d be paying for it for the rest of the year. So I said yes. Then I got this idea, “Don’t you need one of those cards to get into Costco?” thinking I’ve got an out. She goes, “My purse is in your car. Just...”

So I go to Costco. The day before a holiday is not the time to go to Costco. The parking lot is totally packed. There is no place to park. I’m driving around. Finally I’m stalking people as they walk out. We finally get a spot so far away you need a tram to get in there. I’ve never been in a Costco before. It is huge! And they don’t have little shopping carts. They have trailers. I’m getting so angry, so mad that I have to do this. One, I hate shopping and two, this is a mess. I start walking down the aisle and I see these people have stands at the end of the aisle with microwaves and things like that and they’re giving away food. I say Really? Yes! I go to the next aisle. More food! I tell my daughter, “Grab a couple. I'll eat them later!” I hit every aisle three times. I’m stuffed by now.

And I start looking around Costco. They have everything there. All of a sudden I’m going, This is cool! I found deodorant there in a six pack. Shrink-wrapped. Guys, when you run out of deodorant you’re in trouble and it’s like two weeks... I will never run out of deodorant. I have a new theory: “Down to four, go to the store, get some more.” I’m looking around. They’ve got tires. I got these pants at Costco. Me and my kid are there two hours! I’ve got my own little card. I got my picture taken! You probably don’t believe this and that’s ok. But I’ve been back every week since. I love it. We run out of salt. I go to Costco. I love it! I'll do anything to go there. It has everything.

You say, what is that all about? Here’s what it made me think about. I used to have this feeling about shopping in big places and I did everything I could to stay away from it. But now that I’ve been there, now that I’ve experienced it, now that I’ve tasted it – many times – I want to go back.

And can I tell you that’s what peace is like. When you have lived in relational harmony, when you live with people and work with people and know people where you actually love one another and where there are some problems but you deal with them and you get back to that place of peace.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 says, “May the Lord of peace Himself always give you His peace no matter what happens.” underline “no matter what happens.” Peace is an inner thing. It has little to do with circumstances and it has a lot to do with choices of how to handle circumstances and how to handle other people.

There's a story about a traveler making his way with a guide through the jungles of Burma. They came to a shallow but wide river and waded through it to the other side. When the traveler came out of the river, numerous leeches had attached to his torso and legs. His first instinct was to grab them and pull them off.

This guide stopped him, warning that pulling the leeches off would only leave tiny pieces of them under the skin. Eventually, infection would set in.The best way to rid the body of the leeches, the guide advised, was to bathe in a warm balsam bath for several minutes. This would soak the leeches, and soon they would release their hold on the man's body.

When I've been significantly injured by another person, I cannot simply yank the injury from myself and expect that all bitterness, malice, and emotion will be gone. Resentment still hides under the surface. The only way to become truly free of the offense and to forgive others is to bathe in the soothing bath of God's forgiveness of me. When I finally fathom the extent of God's love in Jesus Christ, forgiveness of others is a natural outflow. Citation: Gary Preston, Character Forged from Conflict (Bethany, 1999)

PART 2: I must make amends to those I’ve hurt

It’s just as difficult as forgiving. It’s making amends. I must make amends to those I’ve hurt. What does it mean to make amends? Amends is to put back together, to restore, to reconcile, to say I am sorry.

You say, “Why do you do that?” Because it leads to healthy living. James 3:18 “When people work for peace in a peaceful way they receive the good results of their right living.” Good results – that’s what we want. The action steps are very similar to being a forgiving person.

      1. Remember those I’ve harmed

That’s where it starts. I just need to get a memory of those that I’ve harmed. You might say, “I can’t think of any.” Really? Is there anybody that you have debts that you haven’t paid? Any broken promises? Anybody you’ve been over controlling or over possessive, hypercritical, abusive verbally, emotionally, physically? Anybody you’ve forgotten about or walked over or been unfaithful to or lied to? How about that for a start? You’re already going to have a list this week of those people who have hurt you that you haven’t forgiven, that when their name comes up they trigger this resentment. Then just flip the paper over and begin to make a list of those that you have harmed. I want to encourage you to try that. It’s a good thing to go through. It’s one of the steps toward getting healing.

“As far as it depends on you,” is what the Bible says. Look what it says in Romans 12, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you live at peace with everyone.”

      2. Make amends

This is such a big deal that Jesus said, if there’s a reason to leave a worship service this is it. Matthew 5, “So if you’re standing before the altar in the temple offering a sacrifice to God and you suddenly remember that somebody has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”

Making amends is not about your past as much as it is about your future and getting healthy again. Before you get healthy you need to deal with some of the stuff in the past. So you can live life with a sense of freedom and confidence. Not so you can say, “Hey! I’m perfect!” But you can say, “I don’t have any skeletons in my closet. I dealt with my stuff.”

As I thought about this this week and as I prayed for our church and our community I thought some of you just aren’t ready to make amends. You may have never heard someone tell you that you need to make amends, but if you want to be a Bible Christian, your going to have to learn to say your sorry.

Is it a big deal? Yes, it’s a big deal. Do you want to live in peace? “Blessed are the peacemakers.”

How do you ask forgiveness and make amends?

With humility.
With no excuses.
No expectations.
With restitution.
With sensitivity.

      3. Refocus your life

I refocus my life on doing God's will starting today in relationships. That’s what getting healthy is all about.

This point says you refocus on God and God's ways. The Bible tells us in Galatians 5 that when you focus on God, you produce some things in your life – peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, self-control. Wouldn’t you rather have that in your life? I would. So you either focus on who you resent or you refocus your life on God and His ways.

Look at the advice that Job got. Job’s friends were not always the kindest of friends but this advice is pretty good.

1 -“Put your heart right ...” Start there. That’s where you release and you forgive.

2 – “...Reach out to God...” Some of you who have never reached out to God maybe today for the first time you’ll say, “God I need You in my life. I cannot manufacture enough forgiveness on my own. I need Your help.” And you reach out to God. You give your life over to Him. Maybe you need to go back to Step three in this process where you turn it all over to Him.

3 – “...And face the world again.” Put your heart right, reach out to God, face the world again. Don’t be a victim. Don’t hide. Live life the way God wanted it to be lived. That’s getting healthy again. Face the world again. Look at the result.

“You grow firm and courageous. Your troubles will fade away from your memory like floods that are past and remembered no more.”

Can I tell you as strongly as I know how to say this? Don’t wait for the relational pain to go away. It won’t go away on its own. I think of all the heartbreak that a human can experience and there are few things sadder than relational conflict, than resentment. We need people in order to live a healthy life. It’s a sad statement when we get to the point we say, “How did it end up like this?”

On a Saturday afternoon in May, 13-year-old Michael Hirschbeck quickly donned his Cleveland batboy uniform and then went looking for his friend. That friend was Roberto Alomar, second baseman for the Cleveland Indians. When he found him, the teenager gave Roberto a big hug. This hug was incredible when you remember that, four years before, Roberto Alomar in a fit of rage spat in the face of Michael's father, John Hirschbeck. That ugly moment has been put behind them, and now Roberto and John work together to raise money for ALD (a rare degenerative genetic brain disease) that took the life of John Hirschbeck's eight-year-old son in 1993.

"Maybe God put us in this world to help somebody beat this disease."

The essence of this story, though, is the grace of forgiveness. Citation: Jim Higgs, Antioch, California; source: Contra Costa Times (May 16, 2000), p. C3

Would you take that step this week? Would you be a forgiving person? Would you make amends? Go after this sixth step and see what God does in your life. Peace is within your grasp.

Prayer:

God, thank You for Your love. Thank you that You forgive us when we mess up. Thank You, God, that Your love is there to catch us when we fall. Although we don’t deserve it, we embrace Your forgiveness. Lord, we pray for courage in our lives, for the names that have come to mind during this message that we might go to them and make amends and offer forgiveness so we can get healthy again and get right with You. May we be different people as we leave here today. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

This sermon was adapted from the Saddleback sermon series: Getting Healthy Again.

2004/11/21